I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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