You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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