Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
