I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
