if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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