sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
