If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So much Jack, so little girl.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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