Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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