apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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