Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm like, not good at living.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
