I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize