I accidentally had phone sex last night
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
