'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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