I'm so fucking centered right now
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
