road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
