Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
