Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
