dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
