Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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