So drunk its hurt
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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