I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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