Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
