3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I love you. Go after that dick
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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