you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
