Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
