Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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