what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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