I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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