Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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