I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
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