the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
