Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
