if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
nutella sex= disaster
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
