Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I met the friendliest cop last night
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize