I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
