I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize