They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
