someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
