They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
