Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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