Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
