Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
