I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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