Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
