I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
