He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
