I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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