At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I pour the whiskey from now on
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
