Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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