Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
