i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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