I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
