Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
