i just had sex bonerless
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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