My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
can u get pink eye on your cock?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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