my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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