i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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