i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
