I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
